The anticipation anxiety and nerves I have been going through since 60 Minutes confirmed the anxiety story was going ahead a month ago has been a tad stifling at times.
This morning, the day of air date, I feel a bit all over the place and unfocused – tummy keeps churning around and getting waves of tightness and nerves, my chest feels tight, my breathing feels a laboured, and my ‘what if’ thoughts are endless and going around in circles.
The anticipation anxiety is (thankfully) not where it used to be, especially in my days of crippling agoraphobia where I used to fear dying or having a panic attack. Today, whilst it’s uncomfortable, I can function – although I did have one day in bed unwell last week – and I know I can trust I’m safe and all is going to be ok.
What someone with anxiety has trouble with is the unknown. So, the process of filming the anxiety story with 60 Minutes and waiting for it to air has resulted in my body and thoughts questioning every possible outcome possible.
When the film date was confirmed for Peter Overton (reporter for 60 Minutes Australia) to come to Melbourne for a day of filming with me, all I could think about was what will the day would be like. But, with the anxiety brain, this was accompanied with negative self-talk – those ‘what ifs’
What if I freeze on camera?
What if I cry on camera?
What if I’m not a good interviewee?
What if Peter has wasted his time coming here?
What if the 60 Minutes crew has wasted their time coming here?
Then, I needed to also worry about the planned drive that would be filmed (didn’t air after all that!) that gives me heightened anxiety on the best of days.
The worst part of this stage of the 60 Minutes story was that it was in embargo and I couldn’t speak publicly. Obviously some family and close friends knew, but not being able to tell people and seek their opinion and have feedback was excruciating for me.
And that’s the anxiety that followed after the 60 Minutes team left after a full day of filming. How would people react?
I worry so much about people’s opinion and it’s something I’m sure pretty familiar to people with anxiety. I wish I didn’t care, but I do.
So, the weeks of not knowing if people would care or be proud of me were really difficult.
On top of all this, if there wasn’t already enough to worry about, I was reliving every moment of the film day and what I said in the interview, and wondering what would be put to air.
Anxiety isn’t just about being anxious about future (big) events – real or perceived, but thinking of the past and all the things you did wrong and remembering how it felt.
I had to be ok with putting all my trust in the Producer (who I really did trust after a year of discussions and her taking the time to get to know me and anxiety) and Peter (who I know does amazing mental health advocacy with his wife Jess Rowe).
And, intellectually I was. Emotionally, which plays into my anxiety, I was a scared and, well, anxious.
There was also the issue of changing air dates – super hard for an anxiety brain.
The story was scheduled to air on a certain date and (with an anxiety brain) I was 110% focused on getting through the days to this finishing line. But the line was moved and would air in a few weeks.
That’s the best analogy I can possible give is it was like running a marathon telling your body it only had 1km to go and convincing yourself you can make it and then you turn a corner to find they’ve added another 10kms.
Your body doesn’t quite know what to do with this information.
After a few days my body started to settle, finally, and the all-consuming thoughts and ‘what ifs’ about the story were dissipating. But then I got an email…
Unexpectedly the story was airing “this Sunday” (a week earlier than anticipated). My body went in to feelings of half excitement, half shock. There were some tears (a whole other story) and, then, the anxiety hit again.
I walked around in a daze and needed to speak with my support networks more than usual. But with days the embargo lifted and I could tell the world. And the incredible comments and support have made me feel better and less alone in this journey.
With the embargo lifted was also a sneak peak video of the story. It is a surreal feeling watching the reality of what you’ve done on screen. I’ve experienced it a few other times so I kinda knew the feelings, but I’m no celebrity so it’s very weird thinking about all the potential people watching you, and 60 Minutes is a whole other level, too.
Even though the Producer asked me to promise I wouldn’t look on social media, I took a very quick look at the 60 Minutes Facebook post of the video and saw starting comments of people with anxiety detailing their empathy and heartache.
That’s the hardest thing. And I especially experienced that with the beyondblue Get to Know Anxiety campaign. I know exactly these people’s fears and want to take their hand and help them
But I know if I reach out, the bad and negative can follow. So I need to look after myself. But it breaks my heart.
So, embargo lifted 3 days ago. And I feel like I’ve been floating ever since along with the above-mentioned anxiety feelings.
My anxiety always feels a bit better when the event is here, though, because I can get moving and start working through the adrenaline in a practical way. The morning of filming was better than the previous day’s anxiety, for example. Today (air date) is better than yesterday’s anxiety waiting for today.
I’m trying to keep myself distracted, a big thing for anxiety and was very much a focus during my agoraphobia recovery and exposure therapy for panic attacks. A big lesson for my anxiety management.
So, here I am writing, although it’s a bit difficult (not even sure this all makes sense!). I’ll try and do some work if I can focus my marketing brain – luckily my JoElla Marketing clients have been incredibly supportive, and I’ll head out with my Mum early afternoon for a nice few hours in nature and try and buy a small reward for my efforts.
I know (and accept) myself so well these days that I know in the hour before 60 Minutes starts I’ll be very scattery in thought and communication, and will probably be unable to keep still. (Something that happens when I’m anxious or feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.)
But I love knowing these days (most days) that I’m safe.
I know I will have my heart pounding out of my chest and feel like I can’t breathe. I know I will feel like I’m going to vomit. I know I’ll feel hot and sweaty and have a nervous rash. I know I’ll probably feel like I can’t cope and will pass out as a consequence.
I also know I will have all these anxiety feelings but will also know I WILL cope and I will be ok.
And that’s a pretty amazing feeling for the agoraphobia girl who didn’t know how she would ever leave the family home alone.
Well done tonight! Everyone is behind you. I have had anxiety for such a long time at have weaned off 200mg Zoloft in the past year and down to about 3mg of diazepam per day from 5-10mg. Have stopped drinking coffee which has helped a bit. Thanks for sharing your story, and stay strong
Thanks for your support Sarah. Even though I have some anxiety days (as highlighted in the video diaries) I’m very well these days and live independently and work as a consultant visiting clients all over Melbourne. Best of luck with you recovery and anxiety management. Don’t feel any pressure to get off the meds in any rush. I’m still on one and it saved my life so the stigma is BS. Do what you need to do to be well and healthy and don’t worry what people who have no clue think. xx
Hi megan, your doing great with your recovery. keep it up. I have similar anxiety that you have. I have monophobia, which is within the agorphobic cluster. So I can’t be alone, and I struggle really hard to go out by myself. I worry about similar things to what you used to. I worry about dying, having a panic attack, something else happening to me. I am trying to recover, though. I am slowly desensitizing myself to the fear, my boyfriend has been encouraging me to beat this.
If you are interested in reading more, you can at my website above.
🙂
Thanks so much Tori. I’m sorry you have your own anxiety battles but I know you will be able to get better and learn to enjoy the solitude of alone time. I was frightened alone too, so know you can get there – day by day. Best of luck x
No drugs will cure anxiety in the long run the more i saw my doctor the worst i got why because medication have side effects so you get confused is it anxiety or is the medications how can doctors know? they cant and if medication dont help whats next.Thats where my panic disorder got out of hand because medication was inducing my anxiety with all its side effects how confusing so it went on i had no major problem anymore only the symptoms of panic disorder dizzy,headace,scared,spaced out,chest ace mussels ace jelly legs fell like im walking on a trampoline,i cant sit still heart racing vomiting going to toilet to wee every 5min feel like not part of this world cant think straight trying to be normal these are only a hand few that anxiety did to me but i was bluffed by all this and was yes cured by a very special doctor who suferred her self and cured her self and passed her work to her patients it took me a while to practice her teaching however in one word her teaching saved my life her name is dr claire weeks get her books and practice it will help you to understand this crippling disorder that most doctors cant understand it good luck
Hi Nick.
Thanks so much for your comment and I know Claire Weeks and she was amazing. And I also take your thoughts regarding medication, but it was a part of my recovery treatment – not alone, not a cure, but one aspect to settling my anxiety a teeny bit. Medication is improving all the time and I don’t think should ever be ruled in our out as a general rule as everyone will be different. I think it important for people to not feel shame or stigma if their health professional suggests medication. Patients should absolutely research and question, but should also trust in their doctor and at least try it if subscribed. People should also be empowered to ask for a different medication if it’s not working or they have bad side-effects as you did.
~Megan
Hi megan yes medication do have there place no problem there but my recovery started for me to learn how the nervous system worked and what does it all mean panic attacks etc.For me panic attacks started when i developed high blood pressure and scared of getting a heart attack it was worse for me because i worked in a major hospital so i had panic 24hrs thats where the meds helped.Now no longer scared of high pb still getting panic attacks my doctor said i was prone to it and could not do any more for me and to stay on meds i could not understand why i no longer fear of having high bp but now left with small amounts of meds and having to bring one in my pocket every where i went because i didnt know what do when i felt panic come on carrying a pill in my pocket was a saver but guess what meagan what do i do now the only pill that worked for me isnt working im in big trouble now and thats where i find most people i talk to are at what do think
Hi Nick
I’m sorry your medication has left you in a different panic cycle. I’m no expert, all I can talk to is my lived experience and my recovery. It’s very important medication isn’t the only tool in the kit. Medication was only one part in my recovery. I very rarely used it to cope as a reaction to an event. I somehow knew it would be no different to drinking alcohol or other drugs and getting addicted and stuck in that cycle would only hurt my anxiety. There is no doubt, in my opinion, cognitive behaviour therapy and exposure therapy are the keys to recovery because if you learn these you can manage anxiety in nearly every situation at any time because “you” are in power. Medication (again in my opinion) is not about a cure, but one of the aides to being well. No different to insulin is to a diabetic, but they still have to eat healthy & exercise. I just don’t think it’s helpful to rule out anything that may work for some, or to add extra stigma because mental health is the only health issue that medications appear to have a stigma.
~Megan